I am anti-social. I hate parties, networking and shy.

All his words.

I asked myself, since when did I become this way? Though I was not about all-nighters when I was single, I did enjoy going to parties, meeting people or just hanging out with friends. But now, I would always prefer staying at home after work, watching a movie or reading a book with Pristine and sleeping early. I have isolated myself from the crowd (he says) and this should change. Does it sound sober? because, really, it’s not. I am happy and at peace at home.

I hope there’s nothing wrong with me?

I have thought deep and hard and came up with the probable reasons why I don’t like to go out to party: 

Guilt to leave my own kid at home: I work 6 days a week and my mother takes care of her after school. I want her to take a rest of her duties whenever I am available so I don’t go out on weeknights/weekends and leave the kid to her unless it’s really necessary. So, we rarely go out, heck our anniversary dinner out two weeks ago was the first in 20 months!

I don’t do well late hours at night: Last month we went to a party with our Japanese family friend, some people were there also and honestly I did not enjoy it. The fact that it was held at a Thursday night (end of the work week for us) was mostly the reason I was drained and didn’t have that much energy to socialize or laugh at the corny jokes. I do not like staying late at night - does that make me a bad person?

Trying to be a mom who’s there: Working 6 days a week is what drives me to create the balance that’s needed at home. To make up for all the time, not in an obligatory kind of way. It’s just me now and though I am very much ok with it, my husband thinks otherwise.

What should have I done? Was it a better idea to go to the party he wanted to take me to even if I know I wouldn’t enjoy it?

* Natural hair. I didn’t do anything (didn’t even comb her) to make it look like this! *

I’ve always believed that in order to become better parents, individuals - the mom and the dad has to be better persons first. All unresolved issues within or between them will definitely surface in how they parent their child/children. I was certainly not a good mom since I caught the flu bug a couple of days ago. I was suffering from lack of energy that contributed to lack of patience resulting in unnecessary bickerings at home. I was tired so you’d think I’d just shut up but I didn’t! I’m just disgusted with myself.

I know that asking for a quiet time to rest and recover is so unrealistic if you have a toddler at home who is restless with her summer vacation yet I still asked for it. Of course I didn’t get it, was disappointed and started throwing daggers at everyone. I can’t rest at home so I am in the office - at least I can sit down, look at the blank wall and think about nothing.

Anyway, I loved that article I read today as it made me realize things and put them in better perspective. I’m ready to go home and be a better mom now.

I am not feeling well but still working to meet deadlines before I go on leave at the end of the month. I haven’t been going to the gym so the missing happy hormones had something to do with this freaky mood. Top to that PMS. Is there ever such thing? or this is just my normal personality? Scratch that, I refuse to accept.

I am having issues with my mood since Sunday - every little thing makes me explode and coincidentally, things go out of hand when I am feeling like this. Or is it, things go bad because I feel bad? Little things that is magnified whenever I feel like this. Even my voice is one tone higher than usual.

Last night, some appliances suddenly broke, M kept nagging me about bank transactions I forgot, Pristine tugging me asking to play, sing, dance, read, whatever it is in her mind. She doesn’t even want anybody to be with her except for mom. Can’t I even have one minute of peace and quiet even if only when I’m sick!?

Drats, I just wrote a certified rant post.

Not too long ago, I made a deal with my mom. A scary deal but I was serious, we were serious when we talked about it one humid summer day when all my other smaller siblings were enjoying their afternoon nap.

Out of the blue, I looked into my mom’s eyes and asked her that if in any case, if she dies, she’d promise she’d visit me as a ghost. I am no brave soul, easily terrified of all the horror movies no matter how hard my parents tell me it’s just a movie setting. I can’t sleep at the thought of ghosts and witches and all other dark elements that could be watching me or near me. God, I hate that topic.

As an adult, I found myself heavily disturbed days after watching The Others, What Lies Beneath and The Ring (I curse myself why did I even tried to watch it!).

So, why did I make a strange pact with my mom that summer day? I don’t know. I was not ready to lose any of my parents that time (I was 10), nor I am ready to lose them now so I thought in case she goes (knock on wood!), I’ll be less sad if I can still see her, even as a ghost!

My mother, half-amused and smiling, of course, agreed and even told me she’d kiss me in my sleep.

Twenty years has passed since that day she promised. My mother is healthy and living with me right now. Does she remember the ghost pact we had? I doubt it. Do I still want her to visit me as a ghost in case something happens?

Call me crazy but yes, I still want to. 

This writing exercise is fueled by the writing prompt “ghost” at Sunday Scribblings.

But I have another boss at home who won’t hesitate in letting me know that the moment I became a mom, I have lost all my rights to get sick, to stay longer in bed and to have a little rest while she is awake! I can’t really blame her, she was too ecstatic to see her mom at home and not out to work so she took out all her books, spread it all in our bed and asked me to read. Each. One. Of. Them.

Clearly, she still can’t understand what a sore throat means!

Sunday: I went and did my usual cardio training with high intensity interval in the treadmill. Strength training triceps, biceps, chest and legs.

Monday: Errands. No gym. Week 3, Day 1 of hundred pushups challenge. For the first time in my life, I did 15 consecutive pushups.

Tuesday: Cardio and strength training back and shoulders.

Wednesday: Caught in heavy traffic. Too late to go to gym. Week 3, Day 2 of the hundred pushups challenge.

Thursday: Twice the gym time to make up for the days I missed.

For the hundred pushups challenge, today I will be on Week 3, Day 3! Who knew I could survive this far? This week had been really tough but I am so surprised to be able to pull out an act like 16 pushups in one go. I even had my daughter count my pushups so it was fun.

Since starting the program, it’s just now that I really felt the burn in my arms and what do you know, in my abdomen, too!

Friday: Week 3, Day 3 program: 20, 15, 15, 12, 16+ with 120 seconds rest in between the sets. Twenty!! I’ll do it, do it, do it! 

*****

Thoughts on weight loss.

Weight loss and fat loss are two different things. People trying to lose weight should concentrate on losing the fat weight so the weighing scale is not an accurate source of information to judge whether one is successful in their fitness/weight loss program. We should take into consideration, the body fat percentage.

Take for example, two women both weighing 70 kilos, same height. Woman #1 has 35% body fat percentage and Woman #2 has 20%. That means,

Woman #1: 70 x 35% = 24.5 kilos of fat, 45.5 kilos muscle mass

Woman #2: 70 x 20% = 14 kilos of fat, 56 kilos of muscle mass

Muscle is heavier than fat is a misconception. A pound is a pound. Muscle just takes up lesser space than fat, that’s all. A balloon containing 1 lb of muscle is smaller than a balloon containing 1 lb. of fat. So it means that even both women have the same weight, woman #2 will look leaner because her body fat percentage is lower.

My point? I still weigh a lot than I expected. I thought the weight will disappear easily but it’s not the case. I now weigh 150 lbs/68 kilos (just 4 lbs. lost in 4 weeks) but much leaner looking than when I was weighing the same and not exercising years ago. I even lost the “wings” in my back. You know those, ugly fat sticking out the back under the bra.

This summer of me is almost over and I am pretty sure I am not of the big losers (of weight that is) but it’s ok. I am happy with my body more than ever and I am committed to exercise regularly. I know people will not see me as being the fittest but that’s just because they didn’t see me in my fattest. 

See other weight loss stories at Baby Tea Leaves.

Her last nebulizer session was last Friday, July 11. After that, all of us are able to sleep peacefully. Thank God the wheezing and coughing spells has stopped. Until two days ago when at 3 am, she was awakened by asthma again. Then last night at 2:30 am. Only five nights of bliss.

What gives? Why does it happen at the crack of dawn?

During midday, she is perfectly fine. Clear breathing, no cough or colds and playing normally, just like her old pre-asthma self. What happens in the dead of the night? I am totally clueless but still I have to wake up and tend to her, give her the inhalers so she can breathe normally and sleep back.

These are times when I wish I had a medical degree to even have a slight idea what’s going on inside my child’s body. You could tell me to relax and accept the fact that my child is asthmatic but I guess I am still in denial. She didn’t have asthma before and now, 5 years after her birth asthma invades just like that?

Five years, well, nine in all if we count from the time we said our first hello - it seems that it flew by very fast but in truth, our five short years together was/is a work in progress.

We’ve had moments when I’m ready to give up (I say, “I” because M never really thought about the possibility of leaving; I was always the out-here-in-a second impatient person) but looked back, thought hard and ready to take a chance again. Our daughter deserves a whole family so we have agreed to set aside our pride and (sometimes) resentment towards each other and be better persons, for each other and most especially to our daughter. I’m a bit proud to say that we’ve matured and the home front is not much of a war zone now.

So instead of saying congratulations to one another for making it five years, I congratulate all couples who have survived many years of marriage bliss. People who eventually found the secret to keep their hands off their spouse’s neck!