A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,

“This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied,

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.  A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.  Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand her curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said,

“I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”

“What happened to him?”

The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law.  She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

“Get in line.”

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law.  During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.  With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.  The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George,

“My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive.  It could cost as much as $5,000 dollars.” 

The Consul continued, “In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here.  This would only cost $150 dollars”. 

George thinks for some time, and answers the Consul,

“I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back.  That’s what I want to do.” 

The Consul, after hearing this says,

“You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150 dollars.” 

“No, it’s not that,” says George. 

“You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected.  Consequently, I do NOT want to take that chance!”

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house.  She rang the doorbell and walked in.  She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.  Soft music was playing; and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 

“What are you doing?” she asked. 

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered. 

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed. 

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.  “Love dress?  But you’re naked!” 

” My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained.  “It excites him to no end.  Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.  He can’t get enough of me.” 

The mother-in-law left.  When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.  Finally, her husband came home.  He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. 

“What are you doing?” he asked. 

“This is my love dress,” she whispered, sensually. 

“Needs ironing,” he said.